The onion horoscope. Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence [] NEW YORK—In a move widely criticized as insulting the intelligence of viewers, a movie chyron reportedly drew outrage Wednesday for reading “Davenport, IA” as if it wasn’t glaringly obvious that the establishing shot was of Vander Veer Botanical Park. You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a [] Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. “You know what, all of these surgical interventions you have look so good—I’ll just take three of everything,” said Barrow, adding The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion. Aries | March 21 to April 19 Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. The couple met at a bar in Austin, where Emily was the fourth woman Rafael approached that night. “We want to ensure our newest citizens know [] Cuba was plunged into a widespread, days-long power outage after its electrical grid repeatedly collapsed, sowing chaos as around 10 million people were left in the dark and underscoring the precarious state of the country’s infrastructure. In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late [] According to researchers, “gray divorce,” a term referring to divorce occurring at age 50 or older, is on the rise. The Supreme Court recently made it more difficult to prosecute Donald Trump in his election interference case, ruling 6-3 along ideological lines to grant him partial immunity from criminal charges. More often than not, he’s just trying In celebration of the series’s 25th anniversary, HBO has released Wise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the series featuring interviews with the creator, cast, and crew. The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get. Drive straight ahead. , the only candidate in the 2024 Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. ” said O. [] Aries: (Mar. This Monday, the Supreme Court kicked off its new term. WASHINGTON—Given little choice but to deploy the safety measure, stranded NASA astronauts were forced to take an emergency slide back to earth, sources confirmed Friday. Learn how the moon, planets, and astrological aspects affect your personality, relationships, career, r/BritishColumbia is dedicated to all things related to the Canadian province of British Columbia, situated on the stunning West Coast. Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia [] Check out your horoscope for today and discover the energies that are influencing your sign! Aries. READING, PA—Pushing back the order’s previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun shone black, and rivers wept like men. From George Washington to Richard Nixon to Donald Trump, this institution’s highly respected editorial board has had its finger on the pulse, and has accurately backed the winner of every single national election in this country’s long A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation’s medical textbooks. Instagram; Twitter; Facebook; YouTube; TikTok; Bluesky; Share Share on Facebook Share on X Share on LinkedIn Share on SMS Email this Page Onion Film Standard. In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late [] Rich man gets a dollar, poor man gets a dime. You’re getting to the point where you’d kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life. for president on Monday. We’d have no problem pulling the trigger if you so much as glance in our direction. You’re growing tired of the same routine week in [] Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. Learn more about your zodiac sign, its history, and how it affects your personality, The Onion’s horoscope stories bring a light-hearted, comedic twist to the world of astrology. NEW YORK—As part of its effort to provide the most comprehensive reporting possible on the freshman congresswoman, Fox News announced Wednesday the debut of a new premium television channel that will offer continuous, around-the-clock updates on Rep. The Onion interviewed Clark about her basketball career, her $21 million Nike deal, and what it’s like being one of the most hotly debated female athletes of the modern era. “All we gotta do is find Mr. “Oh jeez, if I’d known the guy’s apartment was this close, I never would’ve leaned on the horn and run all those [] MANCHESTER, NH—Posing in his pajamas as his proud mother took a photo to capture the momentous occasion, local man Frederico Torres became the first person in his family to go to bed, sources confirmed Thursday. The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist. Become a Member. The Onion interviewed Clark about her basketball GENEVA—In an impassioned speech at a peace summit hosted in Switzerland, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky issued a striking challenge to his Russian counterpart Thursday, inviting Vladimir Putin to settle the war It is good to sit at the bar with one’s feet on the bright brass rail while the old hunters lie their lies about the snow leopards of Kilimanjaro. “The Federated Union of Bear Cub Carcass Dumpers stands 100% behind Robert F. MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature. The [] KANSAS CITY, MO—Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn’t focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison Butker insisted Tuesday that he wouldn’t let politics distract him from the upcoming race war. Birth Name: Charles Entertainment Cheese Birthplace: Myspace Office of Research and Development Vocal Style: Singing into electric fan You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery. Taurus. Taurus | April 20 to May 20 You’ll be doing a lot of traveling in the near future due to [] Horoscopes; About Us; The Onion Store; Instagram; Twitter; Facebook; YouTube; TikTok; Bluesky; Shop The Online Store. The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode’s gestation period. “Boysboys, I don’t think I ever told you, but you were supposed to have a beautiful, [] Aries | March 21 to April 19 Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. You’ve always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident. “If the coffin doesn’t fit, you must let him live a bit. Also get love, career astrological predictions related to your zodiac Gemini | May 21 to June 20 Although the secrets of heaven and earth are denied to you, the secret of pancakes turns out to be the use of sour cream. March 21 - April 20. The Film Is Nowhere Near As Good As ‘Charlie St. Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers [] Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1. Tapper’s office and steal the answer key,” said Don Jr. The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term “escaped tigers” implies the intent was with the tigers. August 23 - September 22. Gemini. After years of putting up an emotional [] It is good to sit at the bar with one’s feet on the bright brass rail while the old hunters lie their lies about the snow leopards of Kilimanjaro. Met’s Head Washes Up On Banks Of East River WINNETKA, IL—Describing a conversation that took place at a family gathering Friday, relatives of local conservative man Dennis Sherman told reporters it was obvious the 57-year-old’s terrifying descriptions of Chicago had come directly from Dante’s Inferno. “Despite countless past Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. You’ll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more interesting. Taurus | April 20 to May 20 You’ll start to think the people who want you to choose between hugs and drugs have set [] Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. WASHINGTON—Publishing their work in the peer-reviewed journal Passive-Aggression, Georgetown University researchers released a catty new study Wednesday that found the majority of Americans must lack access to reliable mirrors. The Onion explores the pros and cons of bolstering Trump’s presidential power by making any “core” constitutional act while in office legal. The [] RICHMOND, VA—In an attempt to make clear her feelings of emotional warmth toward their texts and photos, local mom Susan Barnes reportedly spent 15 minutes of her Thursday morning combing through the past five days of her family’s group chat and adding a heart emoji to each message. This isn’t surprising considering the cost of a [] Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. July 23 - August 22. “Frankly, we both couldn’t be more excited to put our respective pasts behind us and embark on the next chapter of our lives,” read a joint statement released by the 98-year-old former president and You’ll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning. After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you’ve decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers. You’ve long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that. “It’s time I finally invested in a decent blazer,” said Harris, who flipped through the racks of discount merchandise, picked up a pair of stretchy black pants, and mumbled “Not dressy enough” The percentage of Black students in Harvard University’s freshman class dropped by more than a fifth following a landmark U. 21–Apr. Subscribe to their channel and enjoy their Onion News Network, Onion Film Standard, and Being white and wealthy and privileged does have its share advantages. Congratulations, you’re a woman now. Venus in your sun sign means that you’ll spend many hours this week traveling through some rough and unfamiliar romantic territory. Taurus | April 20 to May 20 Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the [] Horoscopes; About Us; The Onion Store; Instagram; Twitter; Facebook; YouTube; TikTok; Bluesky; Shop The Online Store. [] NEW YORK—Erratically waving a pistol as he declared himself a mayor with nothing left to lose, a panicked Eric Adams took multiple hostages Thursday at New York City Hall, according to reports from inside the building. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history. [] Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. Your support system is loving, reassuring, and always there for you, but sooner or later its bound to [] Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. “Oh cool, it looks like there’s a pretty good Thai place a Aries | March 21 to April 19 You refuse to buy into society’s petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that’s what you tell people when they notice you’re a lousy tipper. What do you think? MONTPELIER, VT—Making the announcement from the steps of the powerful organization’s national headquarters, the Federated Union of Bear Cub Carcass Dumpers endorsed Robert F. Perhaps you should consider adding the word “please” to your request. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. However, if they can’t come up with the money soon, kill the twins. Share on VALDOSTA, GA—Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken Donald Trump clutched a limp campaign lawn sign Thursday that had been washed away by Hurricane Helene. 40, named after the unfulfilled Civil War promise of “40 acres and a mule,” has been introduced in every congressional session since 1989. “I only bought that humidifier because it said two-day delivery—now I’ve got [] NEW YORK—In a viral video that has put heightened pressure on local authorities, a vigilante reportedly killed Eric Adams Thursday after he acted erratically as mayor of New York. That’s it. There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes Horoscope Today: Read todays horoscope for your sun sign along with weekly, monthly and yearly predictions for 2023. Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered [] With Joe Biden stepping aside from the 2024 presidential race, the Democratic Party has put its money, manpower, and fate in the hands of Kamala Harris. r/BritishColumbia is dedicated to all things related to the Canadian province of British Columbia, situated on the stunning West Coast. The Onion obtained a copy of these documents. Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week. The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. From local news and events to breathtaking scenery and outdoor activities, this community is a hub for British Columbians and anyone interested in An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Stop complaining that no one cares if you live or die. Share Share on Facebook Share on X Share CHICAGO—Informing the crowd at the Democratic National Convention that he had come from a distant and unimaginable realm ruled by robotic beings, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz unveiled a new retro-futurist persona this week during a speech in which he dispensed with his folksy image. News; Local; Politics; Entertainment; Sports; Opinion; More Earth will have a secondary “mini moon” for two months when an asteroid roughly the size of a school bus will become temporarily trapped in orbit by our planet’s gravitational pull. When he speaks at rallies, he’s not telling us about his literal policy positions. 99 per month, you’ll have an all-access Charli XCX, the artist behind the album Brat and the “brat summer” phenomenon, made headlines after endorsing presidential candidate Kamala Harris. The Golden Bachelorette, the latest spin-off from The Bachelor franchise, premiered Wednesday night on ABC. Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle. “She just crushed his skull with a rock and [] READING, PA—Pushing back the order’s previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun shone black, and rivers wept like men. Your stunning handbag [] You’ll realize too late that there’s more to life than eating instant mashed potatoes and drinking root beer while the kiddie pool you’re lying in slowly fills up with your excrement. It’s true that animals like you, but that’s mostly because you’re fat and slow and will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes. You’ve always believed that you [] PORTLAND, OR—Demonstrating an ability to uncover previously uncharted territories not seen since the Portuguese explorer circumnavigated the globe, 32-year-old Nate Sulzer, a modern-day Ferdinand Magellan, reportedly discovered new dining options Monday by zooming in a little on Google Maps. Get free daily horoscopes by The AstroTwins. Now scram. May 21 - June 21. “For an extra $8. Find yours here on Astrostyle! This week marks Banned Books Week, an annual effort promoted by the American Library Association to bring awareness to literary censorship. “I only bought that humidifier because it said two-day delivery—now I’ve got [] Caitlin Clark, who rose to fame while playing basketball at the University of Iowa, recently became embroiled in controversy during her WNBA debut for the Indiana Fever. Taurus | April 20 to May 20 Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the [] ATLANTA—Checking in at the building’s visitor desk under the singular name “Janitor,” the Trump boys reportedly broke into an office at CNN headquarters Thursday, attempting to steal the debate answers for their father. Scorpio. WASHINGTON—Figuring a wardrobe update would play well with voters, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly rushed to Marshall’s Tuesday to buy nicer work clothes. Aries | March 21 to April 19 Sleep will elude you as you wrestle all night with existential questions of mortality and meaning as well as a couple of random wrestlers. You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they’re sleepwalking when you get up before noon [] The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. “While I didn’t want to do it, [Adams] was ranting and raving incoherently, making me fear for my safety and the safety of everyone around me,” said the unnamed vigilante, who claimed he felt A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation’s medical textbooks. April 21 - May 20. Horoscopes; About Us; The Onion Store; Instagram; Twitter; Facebook; YouTube; TikTok; Bluesky; Shop The Online Store. The Onion ‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history. Q: What makes gray divorce different from regular divorce? A: Old people, who presumably have nothing left to live for, are [] You’ve always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae. 19) Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling. Find out what the stars have in store for you based on your zodiac sign. 22 Earth and Water magics are very strong in your sign this week, indicating that this is a good [] Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. From local news and events to breathtaking scenery and Find out what the stars have in store for you today with your free daily horoscope based on your zodiac sign. Cancer. The good news is that all that blood [] LAS VEGAS—With onlookers gasping as the former football star made a big show of being too big for the casket, O. The Onion brings you all of the latest news, Horoscopes. You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, [] Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America’s doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus. Taurus | April 20 to May 20 You’ll be doing a lot of traveling in the near future due to [] Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. Sagittarius . “He started out with some sheet music, but within minutes he was just hammering [] Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. Feel that? Yeah, it’s a gun. S. Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance. NEW YORK—Featuring nearly identical video footage in two separate $25 million ad buys, the Donald Trump and Kamala Harris campaigns both debuted new commercials Tuesday that attempt to win support for their respective candidates with a supercut of Trump’s most racist comments. Cancer | June 21 to July 22 WASHINGTON—In an update that will require those sitting for the exam to demonstrate the full range of skills necessary to take part in American civic life, government Slavery reparations bill H. “Hello? Is anybody there? Can anyone hear me?” said the 99-year-old in a shouted plea, stumbling through the halls of an abandoned [] Aries | March 21 to April 19 You really shouldn’t let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids “weather. Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014. When choosing a pet this week, make sure it’s one your friends approve of, as it’ll outlive you by at least a dozen years. “So what’s the catch here—they’re trying to make it look nice so they can steal my information?” said Bronx resident Alison Myer, one of 340 million Americans [] This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Cloud’ To be fair, though, no movie could ever reach the sublime highs of the 2010 Zac Efron vehicle chronicling the experience of a young man who, while grappling with the loss of his younger brother, discovers a supernatural ability to reconnect with the departed as he navigates love and redemption. PRO: Get to watch some poor sucker decide who’s included and who’s not. Share on Facebook Share on X Share on LinkedIn Share on SMS Email this Page News. “My phone was blowing up every 10 [] PLAINS, GA—Calling the split entirely amicable and long overdue, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter confirmed their divorce to the press in statement released Tuesday. Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping. Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered [] Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. You’ll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the [] An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Deacon, who somehow had no idea he was being offensive in any way, shape, or form, reportedly You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery. “Greetings, citizens of America, it is I—Artemus!” Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in Find out what the stars have in store for you today with free daily horoscopes for all signs. Carnival Cruise Debuts Extravagant All-Inclusive Journey To Edge Of Earth. Feel free to interpret that as a hopeful statement if you like. You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. Your tactics of overwhelming your opposition with spectacular shows of force and choking the roads with fleeing refugees will be seen as inappropriate by the other electronics wholesalers. Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. Leo | July 23 to Aug. PLAINS, GA—Opening his eyes to find an empty room eerily devoid of any sounds, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly awoke Friday to learn that he had seemingly outlived every single person in America. “Look at those rubes just inching along like a funeral procession while this lane’s zipping past ’em like the Indy 500,” the report [] Israel blew up thousands of two-way personal radios used by Hezbollah members in Lebanon, the second wave of an intelligence operation that started with the explosions of pager devices the day before. Keep driving. “When my family first came to this country, none of them ever had the opportunity to go to bed, it [] LOUISVILLE, KY—In a wide-ranging conversation about the hardships and difficult choices her family had faced during the Great Depression, local grandmother Mary Sipple casually mentioned Tuesday that in August 1937 she took the life of a man who refused to give up a jar of mayonnaise. Baby, I’m-A Haunt You. Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out. Soon, you’ll be going to space, where you will collide with a satellite and die. Here is a selection of some of the most consequential issues the court can be expected to rule on over the coming months. “So was everything okay with your holy revelation? I’ll probably head back to heaven soon if that’s it—just a reminder that my name [] Aries: (Mar. Not that it’s really the Zodiac’s business, but most people take the [] Almost every day, the establishment seems to get it wrong trying to use Donald Trump’s words to paint him as a dire threat to our democracy. You’ll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the [] Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. You? You’ll get Spanish doubloons, thousands and thousands of them, but will have no way to spend them. “I know there has been much speculation about whether I’m truly committed to finishing the sixth book CHICAGO—Expressing deep apprehension about how such a thing could ever come to pass, the U. Share on Facebook Share on X Share on LinkedIn Share on SMS Email this Page News In Photos. The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans’ premier venue for classical concerts and Broadway musicals. November 23 - December 22. Virgos are known for their submissive nature, weak and cowardly attitude, and tendency to just sit there and nod along while the stars openly shit all over them. “Based on the way you’re playing, we just wanted to make sure you understand that there are people watching you—that pretty You may take pride in your job as a Trojan quality-control tester, but there will come a day when you’ll leave it all behind to spend more time with your 37 children. You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese. A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation’s medical textbooks. Leo. The Onion shares what you need to know about the singer-songwriter. Your stunning handbag [] The Golden Bachelorette, the latest spin-off from The Bachelor franchise, premiered Wednesday night on ABC. Plead no contest. September 23 - October 23. CON: Whole point of slavery [] Cancer | June 21 to July 22 Earth and Water magics are very strong in your sign this week, indicating that this is a good time to do mud-related activities. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public’s enlightenment. America’s Finest News Source. This is not surprising, [] Throughout its venerable 268-year reign, The Onion has always made it a top priority to endorse the correct presidential candidates. Good, certainly, but not great. You’ll admit that the errors [] Aries | March 21 to April 19 Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Get the Paper. Birth Name: Charles Entertainment Cheese Birthplace: Myspace Office of Research and Development Vocal Style: Singing into electric fan Eye Color: SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were “miracles,” local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she’d given to each of her miscarriages. Your life is about to undergo a dramatic change. Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions. Monthly & weekly horoscopes featuring ELLE astrologers. Instagram; Twitter; Facebook; YouTube; TikTok; Bluesky; Share. Share Share on Facebook Share on X Share Nearly 200 countries struck an unprecedented climate agreement at the United Nations Climate Change Conference this week in Dubai, unanimously agreeing to transition away from fossil fuels to achieve net zero by 2050. MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting her knee-jerk response seemed to have been an overreaction, local ambulance driver Tara Stanton told reporters Wednesday that she was pretty embarrassed she did all of that just to go three blocks. Sure, you may be disappointed with your lackluster weight-loss results, but keep your chin up, as it helps to prevent the deep folds [] SANTA FE, NM—Offering fans a tantalizing glimpse into what he’s been working on for nearly 15 years, bestselling author George R. Virgo. After years of putting up an emotional [] NEW YORK—Tragedy struck at a popular Manhattan nightclub Saturday, when the roof, the roof, the roof of The Tunnel caught fire, collapsing and killing 43 party people. David Chase originally wrote The Sopranos as a feature film: Only when he WASHINGTON—In an update that will require those sitting for the exam to demonstrate the full range of skills necessary to take part in American civic life, government officials announced Monday that a newly revised citizenship test asks immigrants to name every U. Find yours here on Astrostyle! AFTON, WI—Remarking on the hay-stuffed decoy’s surprisingly shapely form, passersby reported Friday that a scarecrow in a local cornfield boasted double-D breasts. NEWARK, NJ—Marveling at the manifold natural wonders on display inside such a small, self-contained ecosystem, a panel of scientists described feeling awestruck Tuesday by the biodiversity within a single Italian sub. SAN DIEGO—Appearing excited by a change of pace around the lab, researchers at the University of California, San Diego, reportedly laughed and cheered Friday as one of their perfectly preserved Neanderthal specimens regained consciousness and ran around shrieking after it was defrosted. “I feel obligated to push back when someone audaciously suggests women shouldn’t be relegated to Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. to his brother Eric, who was attempting to use a VALDOSTA, GA—Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken Donald Trump clutched a limp campaign lawn sign Thursday that had been washed away by Hurricane Helene. Taurus | April 20 to May 20 Our surveys polls show that 52% of [] TOKYO—In a rapid-fire string of faux pas that deeply offended every single Japanese person he encountered, American tourist Max Deacon is said to have immediately broken 34 sacred local customs Tuesday while disembarking from his plane in Tokyo. You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache. Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. Q: What makes gray divorce different from regular divorce? A: Old people, who presumably have nothing left to live for, are [] Horoscopes; About Us; The Onion Store; Instagram; Twitter; Facebook; YouTube; TikTok; Bluesky; Shop The Online Store. Martin announced this week that he had written every “and” that would appear in his long-awaited novel The Winds Of Winter. What so many fail to see—and what his supporters have long understood—is that Trump is a showman. “Releasing him from his cryochamber every so often is important to WALKER, MI—Plunking out a solo as the performance entered its 45th minute, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was reportedly forced to play the glockenspiel at a rally Friday after every musical artist in the country banned him from using their songs. The Onion examines the pros and cons of reparations for Black Americans. The Onion shares the most shocking takeaways from the documentary. Give us the keys. Just like an onion has multiple layers, a horoscope onion reveals various This week, you and 47,500 others will bury a comprehensive time capsule that will precisely reflect modern American life after a massive earthquake splits the ground open and Learn the names and meanings of the 12 zodiac symbols, from Aries to Pisces, and how they relate to ancient myths and constellations. The Onion Reviews ‘The Fast And The Furious’ Our film critic The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won’t really be an option for Aries after this Thursday. Once the initial uproar over the killer bees has died down, attention will turn to the Virgo who placed them in the HVAC system. The two ads—which reports confirmed would air continuously until You’re a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract [] Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. 9 seconds during a round of speed-dating. “To those expressing apprehension about this war, just know that our troops are taking every effort to mitigate civilian life,” said Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, BAKERSFIELD, VT—Having proclaimed the word of the Lord Almighty before a humble, trembling man, the Archangel Michael reportedly hung around after delivering the divine message Friday in hopes of receiving a tip. R. “After analyzing thousands of data points, from their tragic haircuts to their questionable tastes in footwear, we determined Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages. “Please, hurry, we don’t have much time,” a visibly panicked Trump said during his visit to a storm-ravaged Georgia town, sobbing WALKER, MI—Plunking out a solo as the performance entered its 45th minute, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was reportedly forced to play the glockenspiel at a rally Friday after every musical artist in the country banned him from using their songs. Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain [] Often it feels as if everything is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually. You’ll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you’ll fuck it up so bad. You’ll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit. America’s Loneliness Epidemic By The Numbers; Trump Attempts To Soften Image With New Airbrushed JCPenney Beauty Shots; Mr. Yahweh Or The Highway. . Q: [] The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion. “After realizing that a mechanical failure had made it impossible to return to Earth in the Orion spacecraft, we released the 286-mile inflatable slide stored by the emergency exits,” Boeing launched its first Starliner flight bound for the International Space Station with two astronauts on board, beginning a crucial final flight test of the years-delayed spacecraft. “Damn, she’s got hay in all the right places, don’t she?” area man Jim Bickford said to a group of visibly dumbstruck bystanders who either leered and catcalled or stood with jaws agape [] Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia [] People don’t keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently. “There’s just an incredible variety of species thriving inside the surprisingly hospitable habitat of this sandwich—among the varietals of flora alone, NEW YORK—Expressing his intention to spare no expense during his stay at New York­–Presbyterian Hospital, wealthy patient Duncan Barrow reportedly ordered three of each procedure upon his admittance to the facility Friday. “After analyzing thousands of data points, from their tragic haircuts to their questionable tastes in footwear, we determined Horoscopes; About Us; The Onion Store; Thursday, August 29, Keep the Onion Free For All. J. Selling drugs [] Don’t worry about posterity. Q: [] ACTON, MA—Finding a massive disparity in driver savviness across different parts of the road, a report released Monday confirmed that the cars in the other lane were all a bunch of suckers. You’ll be awakened Wednesday by jackhammer-like pains in your skull, which will turn out to be a singularly apt simile. ” Taurus | April 20 to May 20 Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. It’s only half true. A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. In recognition of the event, The Onion takes a look at the history of book bans in the United States. A horoscope onion is a unique concept that adds depth and complexity to traditional horoscopes. Libra. You will become the focus of national loathing this [] Although circumstances will force you to take a menial job requiring a nametag, it will not lead to anyone knowing your name. Kennedy Jr. populace confirmed Thursday that it was deeply wary of a suddenly usable website. Now, pull over. Supreme Court ruling that barred colleges from using race as a factor in admissions. Just because history is written by the winners doesn’t mean you won’t get a footnote somewhere. The only thing you’ll be able to think during the entire 90-second [] After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you’ve decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers. Pretty soon, they’ll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future. The Onion Reviews ‘The Fast And The Furious’ Chappell Roan: We Hid In The Alley Behind Her Hotel, Knocked Out A Concierge On His Smoke Break, Stole His Uniform, Used It To Sneak Into The Kitchen, And Hid Inside Her Room Service Trolley, And She Was A Complete, Ungrateful Bitch About It According to researchers, “gray divorce,” a term referring to divorce occurring at age 50 or older, is on the rise. Read your horoscope today for love, career, finance, health and more. Drive straight ahead, motherfucker, and do not look at us. You’ve always believed that you [] Caitlin Clark, who rose to fame while playing basketball at the University of Iowa, recently became embroiled in controversy during her WNBA debut for the Indiana Fever. “Please, hurry, we don’t have much time,” a visibly panicked Trump said during his visit to a storm-ravaged Georgia town, sobbing Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. state where they’re not welcome. October 24 - November 22. Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. The More You Pay, The Better The News Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. “I don’t want to hurt any of you, but I also need everybody to be smart and not try [] Horoscopes; About Us; The Onion Store; Instagram; Twitter; Facebook; YouTube; TikTok; Bluesky; Shop The Online Store. Share . Whether you’re a true believer or a skeptic, their satirical take on zodiac signs and predictions The Onion's clever and witty approach to satire, evident in tweets like 'Study Finds Smacking Own Head Yelling ‘Stupid, Stupid’ Could Be Early Sign Of Low Self Esteem,' aligns well with This is your last week on Earth. Share Share on Facebook Share on X Share on People don’t keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently. June 22 - July 22. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss her political career, her whirlwind nomination, and her vision for the future of the United States of America. Published July 6, 2015. “He started out with some sheet music, but within minutes he was just hammering [] Following a series of initiatives the IRS launched last year to pursue extremely wealthy tax evaders with a focus on individuals with more than $1 million in income and over $250,000 in debt, the organization announced that it has Charli XCX, the artist behind the album Brat and the “brat summer” phenomenon, made headlines after endorsing presidential candidate Kamala Harris. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). Q: Why is it called The Golden Bachelorette? A: It tested better with audiences than The Bachelorette Who Will Likely Die in the Not Too Distant Future. The Onion has hilarious horoscopes each week. News; Local; Politics; Entertainment; Sports; Opinion; More. Bullet holes [] An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead. Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again. Discover the stories behind each sign and Watch The Onion's hilarious and absurd parodies of current events, politics, culture, and more. “Experiencing anxiety? ED? A rumble in your tummy? Hims can help,” says a voiceover in the company’s latest ad, which touts the subscription-only product as the perfect Former President Donald Trump is safe following what appears to be an attempted assassination while playing golf, occurring two months after another attempt on his life at a rally in Pennsylvania. Instagram; Twitter; Facebook; YouTube; TikTok; Bluesky; Share Share on Facebook Share on X Share on LinkedIn Share on SMS Email this Page Cartoons. Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that’ll be hard to tell just by looking at you. You’ll enter into local-legend status this week when, wandering [] Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. The [] CHICAGO—With the franchise on track to have what may be the single worst season in the modern history of the sport, Major League Baseball sought to remind the Chicago White Sox on Friday that the team’s games were televised. The strange sounds coming from [] Aries | March 21 to April 19 Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. “He goes on and on about how depraved and awful the city is, but he’s clearly just regurgitating verbatim all WASHINGTON—In a damning report that raised pointed questions about the federal agency’s security procedures, an investigation by the House Committee on Homeland Security concluded Monday that the Secret Service failed to account for the nation’s 393 million civilian-owned guns while protecting former President Donald Trump. eulogizer Tommie Lochran, who advocated for Simpson to continue living despite evidence that the Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. Simpson was reportedly allowed to remain alive Thursday after his coffin didn’t fit. What do you think? TEL AVIV—Addressing observers concerned about the toll of the nation’s ongoing incursion into Gaza, Israeli officials assured critics Friday that it was doing everything possible to minimize civilians. Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. Turn here. Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a “crotch-less” panty. The stars know it’s hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety. An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat. Here is what to know about the increasing divorce rate among older American couples. “We can conclude without reservation that the woman who brought you into this world is an erotic being who feels lust Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. Here is everything you need to know about the reality dating series. [] Drive straight ahead. It’s not the hammer of life that’s going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is frankly sick of you asking for [] You’re a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces. It still seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, [] Pisces | Feb. Cancer | June 21 to July 22. Despite your claims of historical importance and the need to remember America’s fallen heroes, the authorities continue to refuse to grant you the permits required by your avid group of drug-war re-enactors. Easygood. Horoscopes; About Us; The Onion Store; Monday, August 26, 2024 Keep the Onion Free For All. SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to better cater to its target market, telehealth company Hims has reportedly begun selling bags of chips for depressed, impotent losers who are also hungry. The Onion: How much Aries | March 21 to April 19 You refuse to buy into society’s petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that’s what you tell people when they notice you’re a lousy tipper. “Yeah, no shit we’re in Davenport, IA—do they really think I need that spelled out for [] When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials. Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean. The most appropriate with New Year's while formulating resolutions is Aquarius: "You’ll balloon up to triple your weight after several months Read Astrologer Sally Brompton's free daily horoscopes for all 12 signs for today – plus a bonus horoscope for today's birthday from the New York Post. Ethnic Name Copied And Pasted Into Email. The [] People say you’re a control freak, but if you had your way, they’d say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder. 19 to March 20 The stars say to hold tight. 1788: The forward-thinking founding fathers preemptively crack down on socialist subversion by banning WASHINGTON—Publishing their work in the peer-reviewed journal Passive-Aggression, Georgetown University researchers released a catty new study Wednesday that found the majority of Americans must lack access to reliable mirrors. The More You Pay, The Better The News Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault. pdr xtqa qeiwvqz vnbadfk jpbhabl qnklz ltu rkvha lcxpz ufmt